Sunday, January 07, 2007

All's well.

We got a new washing machine.

Brand spankin' new. Our old one took quarters. This one doesn't. I could get the quarters out, or even set it to not take quarters but it still only had 6 buttons so you couldn't run just part of a cycle. And if the power went out (like it does here in the sticks) then it went back to requiring $0.75 to do a load.

Our old one didn't have any dents. This one does.

Our old one didn't have a whole front panel thus leaving the guts exposed. The new one has a front. Which is dented.

Brand new. In the box. Dented. Thanks, Home Depot.

The better part is that the right rear corner looks like sombody dropped it off of a fucking fork lift about two or three feet too soon. Thanks, Home Depot.

But it works, so who gives a shit.

It fills up with water. It is not anything at all near as noisy as I expected a $300 washer to be.

AND. It's one of the four top-rated in the ACTUALLY WASHES CLOTHES WELL cagegory of Consumer Reports. The other ones cost $599, $999, and $1099.

So that was an easy decision. I guess the $700 discount is automatically figured in when they slow down the truck and kick it out the back rather than actually stopping to deliver it to the store.

And now I feel slightly less worthless but I really wish my wife would stop asking me "So what's dinner going to be?" every two fucking seconds.


Phoooiee said...

Well, a really good way to get her to stop asking that question would be to answer it. Or to at least acknowledge it.

Sacky said...

I've given several perfectly valid answers to that question. You may not _LIKE_ them, but they are still valid answers.

Answers such as:

1.) Double Whopper
2.) Boneless Chixxen Wings
3.) Burger King with a side of Taco Bell
4.) Hot Dogs from the Home Depot trailer (but I understand they might be unacceptable because they might be dented)

Phoooiee said...

I meant a serious answer. You said you wanted to go out. So I said that there wasn't anything that I could eat going out because it is all bad for me. Then you ignored that part.

So just because you want to be all passive-aggressive and try to get me to enable your horrible eating habits, does not mean that you have acknowledged the REAL question.

We will not be eating Double Whopper, because we have a baby and we are NOT going to get diabetes.

So anyway, let me be more specific.

What will we have for dinner that is good for us but that you will also eat?

Sacky said...

Actually, what I said was:

I want something which somebody else cooks and brings to me at my seat.

You are the one who assumed that means we have to go out.

I will be perfectly happy to have you cook me some chicken and maybe some spinach and then you can bring it to me at my seat. Also, Kraft Macaronian Cheese is acceptable as long as your mother doesn't boil it for 45 minutes.

Phoooiee said...

ACTUALLY, right after you said that, I SPECIFICALLY ASKED you whether that meant you wanted to go out, or whether you just wanted me to cook. You then said that you wanted to go out, and then I said that wasn't a good idea, and then asked again what you wanted to eat. Then you ignored me. This whole exchange supports my contention that YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED IN THIS DISCUSSION.

I'm hungry. And I don't know how to make chicken.

Sacky said...

How to make chicke\:-[;p0[-p[-[==]\'

\ (with help from The Doodle)

1.) Read instructions for you new George Forearm Grille.
2.) Make chixxen according to instructions.


If I say let's go out in response to that question and you say you don't want to go out in response to my answer WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING when it's obvious that the correct thing to do is GO COOK ME SOME CHICKEN, WOMAN.

And please don't let it broil for 3 and a half hours like your mom cooks a hamburger.

Sacky said...

Now I will not cook you anything at all. This is because you are a big lumpy butt, and you are not nice to me.

I might forgive you for it since you have a big red pillow instead of a head, and that's sad.

Phoooiee said...

Oops. I wrote that last comment, but I forgot to change users.

Sacky said...

I actually think you are the one not being nice because I answered your stupid question like four posts back and you still haven't cooked me any goddamned chixxen yet.

What does it take to get some service around here?

And how can you call me a lump when I already hooked up a washing machine, changed a shitty diaper, and played the suck-a-finger-POP! game with the baby for 45 minutes?

You need some help. Call somebody (other than your mother) to help you cook me some chixxen.

Phoooiee said...

Um, I helped you carry the washing machine. And I did some dishes and such. And some laundry. And I don't feel sorry for you AT ALL no matter what you did, because I have been bitten TWO TIMES while breastfeeding YOUR BABY so YOU can cook dinner since you are so rude.

Sacky said...

Also, I hooked up a baby fentse and a baby gate so you don't have to chase the baby away from electrical cords, the table-bang-your-head-every-time-area, and the cat fountain.

I also purchased all of these items and DID NOT received the prior promised HOME DEPOT HOT DOG so you, being the word-go-back-oner, are now responsible to go make me some dinner.


If you don't agree to my terms, I can easily call out for the usual weekend meal of FAT GREASY PIZZA (which I would be very happy to eat) or I can place a call to STUBBY'S and get 30 or 40 wings. And a Pepsi.

Or you can cook me some dinner.

Your choice.

Phoooiee said...

I TOLD YOU TO GO BACK AND GET THE HOT DOG AND YOU REFUSED. Your commitment to the hot dog idea was clearly very low.

And, considering that I now have been bitten THREE TIMES while breastfeeding YOUR CHILD, YOU should behave better.

If you do in fact follow your backup plan, you will turn into A TUBBY BASTARD and I will cease to respect you entirely.


Sacky said...

I'm already a tubby bastard.

Which must mean nobody likes me.

Don't forget - I also need some french fries with my dinner when you cook it.

And I don't think you have to make dinner because you're a woman. I think you should make dinner because I always make the fucking dinner and I deserve a break, even if it means the food won't be as good as if I cooked it myself.

Phoooiee said...

Today, I made you a burger for lunch.

Yesterday, we had dinner at Funky's house. You didn't cook it.

The day before that, I made you two burgers for dinner.

Some other day this week, I made spaghetti sauce with ground venison and squash. You didn't like it.

I would be more likely to cook dinner if you would eat anything I cook. It's not my fault if you won't eat anything that isn't infused generously with fat and refined carbohydrates.

If you LIKE, I can make us some nice healthy salmon with some sprouted wheat pasta and broccoli.

But then you will just sit and pout, and that pisses me off after I went to the effort to prepare something that was good for you so that you will not get diabetes.

I don't want you to get diabetes. You make me mad because you are going to get diabetes and then have to get your legs cut off.

Sacky said...

It's been almost an hour and half and still no dinner.

I think you're not hungry. I think you just like to bother me by asking the same question over and over.


I wasn't talking about this week. I knew you were going to mention about dinner this week was not mainly cooked by me. I AM SPEAKING IN THE LONG TERM. WITH THE LONG VIEW. WITH 20/20 SPECTACLES.

In that regard I have cooked far more dinners. Which have been good. And good for you. Things like Torque Burgers and organic meats and vegetables and bean salad. Except not bean salade. Cuz that sucks.

Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend. Try to see it my way. Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong. Except maybe Mr. McCartney didn't know I'm definitely right on this one.

Dear Sir or Madam:

Can you read my book. It took me years to write so won't you take a look?

It's a dirty story of a dirty man and his never-cooks-a-meal wife doesn't understand.

Phoooiee said...

Why are you quoting Beatles lyrics? You are so long-winded.

Actually, I wasn't hungry when we started this whole conversation, but now I am.


You didn't have a job for, like, 3 years. And that is the reason why you have historically cooked more dinners.

Try to make up for being such a dirty man by cooking some dinner.

OR make a decision:

If I cook, we WILL be having sprouted wheat pasta and salmon.

Which would you rather do? Cook or eat my dinner?

Phoooiee said...

And you know what? I really HATE asking the same question over and over again. I only ask you as many times as is necessary to get an answer. Which, unfortunately, due to your being inattentive, is far too many.

Sacky said...

Who do you think would win in a fight:

A small chicken or a small cardboard box full of nails?

Phoooiee said...

I have nothing whatsoever to say to that.

Sacky said...

I guess that means we're done.

Thanks for tuning in.

i, squub said...

fucking hell.

you didn't even ever said what you ended up having for dinner. That's what I want to know. That's it. And nobody said.

Sacky said...

I had Stouffer's Cheese French Bread Pizza's.

They are technically not on the FOOD NAZI APPROVED LIST. But I had them anyway.

The Food Nazi had an Amy's organic pizza. She usually likes them. She said this one had raw crust, freezer burnt vegetables and overall bad taste.

Did I mention mine was good?

Sacky said...

If my foot didn't hurt I would not have put an apostrophe in the word PIZZAS.

Apertome said...

This was an awesome public argument, I enjoyed it verymuch. I am very much not a health food eater, so my sympathies are for sacky, I'd say.

I understand the concerns involved, at the same time, though.

I know Sarah would like it if I cooked more often (I almost never do) but it's just not something I'm good at or enjoy, and I have a very capable wallet of purchasing foods.

Liquid Pork Gun said...

I love my George Foreskin Grille!

Frat Boy said...

I try not to put things which touched a foreskin near my mouth.

Liquid Pork Gun said...

Ah well, there are two kinds of people in the world I suppose - those people who eat the food off of their Foreskin and those who won't. Food waster.

furiousBall said...

that was hot hot heat

Don't Put That There said...

Your foreskin, my foreskin. I don't care. I'm not eating anything which has touched a foreskin. You could balance a Chipotle burrito on the end of your cock and I still wouldn't eat it. Even if you took it off of there first.

Liquid Pork Gun said... take a highly uncommon point of view. By that I mean that most people wouldn't think twice about eating something if they knew that it was cooked on a 100% natural, 100% organic apparatus.

Liquid Pork Gun said...

It also doesn't leech metal into your food.

Sarah said...

I totally would eat that burrito from Chipotle. I like burritos and penises. It's a win-win!

Liquid Pork Gun said...

Hell yeah, it's 2 on 1! You're goin' down now! Majority rules!!

Damn, you're gay! said...

Go ahead. Be 2 against 1. That's fine.

It's also fine if the chick likes penises. That's allowed. But your heretofore unmentioned love of the cock is rather surprising.

I had no idea you were so fond of a man's foreskin.

Phoooiee said...


Liquid Pork Gun said...

It has nothing to do with love of cock or love of foreskin on my part. I just love my the food I cook on the George Foreskin grill. My previous mentioning of 2 on 1 was in reference to 2 people now taking the side of the GFG, vs. you standing alone against it. I'm just disappointed to see that you would stoop to the pathetic "you're gay" defense to defend your inferior taste in grills.

Sacky said...

You continue to do the doublespeak. Maybe you took lessons from George W. Buss. You cannot NOT love the cock and simultaneously love something which was heated on a foreskin.

It's entirely and completely unpossible.

You can continue to use your gay appliances to cook your gay food any way you like.

And I never even commented on your choice of grille. Only your choice of male-member-subunits.

Take that, Nancy boy.

Liquid Pork Gun said...

I'm no more guilty of doublespeak than you are. You're insinuating that by preferring my GFG that I'm gay, when in fact there are two different functions of the same object under consideration here. If what you were saying were logically correct, it would be equally correct for me to say that you like to fuck chickens since you like to eat chicken meat.

Go off to the barn and play, chicken-fucker man!

Sacky said...

At this point I'm convinced of several things:

1. You do not know how to have a proper argument. I never said anything about any kind of grill or cooking method.

2. I'm leaning heavily toward the belief that you have no idea what a foreskin actually is.

3. You are extra confused about the thing with chickens. In saying I like to eat chickens I give absolutely no indication of anything sexual. There are no sexual organs involved and there are not even any slang terms which may be construed as sexual. Now, if I had previously told my wife to fix me some cock, that may be construed as sexual. But I didn't say that. I only said chicken. In the context of dinner. You, on the other hand, continue to impress upon the world your desire to consume food off of a foreskin. This has nothing to do with my desire to eat chicken. It has nothing at all to do with any kind of cooking appliance.

I cook meat on a grille all the time. The meat I cook on a grille is very good. I do not, however, touch of of the meat (either pre-cooked or post-cooked) to my, or anyone else's, foreskin.

Sacky said...

of of = any of

Liquid Pork Gun said...

I find it funny that right after saying that I don't know how to have a proper argument, you proceed to state (without any justification, further explanation, or anything) that you are starting to doubt that I know what a foreskin is. Perhaps you've been watching too many Bush speeches?
Also, the fact that you said nothing about grills further shows that your mind stopped working from the moment the word 'foreskin' came up - this whole discussion started because I said how wonderful my George Foreskin Grill is - you haven't mentioned grills at all in your argument, so why don't you work a little harder in keeping up with what's being discussed?


Just because the foreskin grill happens to make use of a sexual organ doesn't mean that its function has to have anything to do with sex. Here, we are talking about the foreskin in the context of its utility as a part of a grilling apparatus, rather than as its sexual function. You seem to be incapable of drawing a distinction between these two contexts. Urination doesn't have to be sexual, nor does nursing, yet both involve sexual organs. This is no different.

I'm not denying that outdoor grills also make very good meat. Outdoor grills aren't an option in a high rise though, so I go for the next best thing - George's Foreskin Grill.

Incidentally, you show another strange bit of logic: you say that you would never eat food that had touched a foreskin, yet you also are willing to eat hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and numerous other meat products where the "meat" can be taken from "any part of the animal carcass". Now, there may not be much of it in there by percentage, but with the number of these products you consume, I'll bet you've consumed the equivalent of an animal cock or two (plus foreskins, of course) in your lifetime.

Madhog said...

Holy cow. That was an awesome bit of whatnot there.

When I come up for pile sometime, I'll make some goddamned dinner for you two so you can not kill each other before the diabetes cuts off your legs.

Or something like that.

I cook everything at my house, so. It would just be funny if I insisted that Brandi cooked some chicken. She would probably try to do that, but it would still be a bad idea. A better solution would be to spend a couple weekends LEARNING HOW TO COOK with me.

You can teach a wife how to cook, but you can't lead her to water.

Yep. That's all I'm trying to say.