Monday, November 26, 2007

Bad Stuff

Today, a fellow I know says he went home and asked his wife what was for dinner.

Her answer?

TOFU.

And that's what they had. It was not to his liking.

I then told him my recollection of tofu, so I'll tell it again (regurgitate, so to speak) here:

______________


Tofu is the worst.

I've always been of an open mind to try new things, so when I was at my friend Dave Chao's house, I did try the tofu.

This was after his mother insisted, "No, you big-a boy. You eat sree pack!"
And she proceeded to fix me three entire packages of ramen noodles.

That time, I asked Dave what it was he was eating. With the blocky
white chunks of stuff. He said, "Bean curr." I said, "huh?" He
said, a little slower, "Bean Currrrrr. You try!"

It wasn't until the nanosecond before it was about to hit my tongue
that my brain finally miscombulated what he was saying.

"Bean Curd!" my brain said right as I bit down on it.

"Oh Holy Jesus, spit it out, spit it out!" my stomach said.

I swallowed the one bite.

Never again.

11 comments:

Phoooiee said...

Tofu is yummy. There is something wrong with you. Maybe if you ate more of it you wouldn't be constantly sick and you might have some energy ever.

Sacky said...

No.

If I ate more of it, my stomach would mutiny and would be sure to escape out of my face or my ass while I was sleeping.

Then I wouldn't be able to digest food anymore and I would die.

That's what tofu does to you.

Phoooiee said...

No, because I eat tofu ALL THE TIME and my stomach has never, ever migrated to either of those places.

Furthermore, I don't sit around on my couch all day like you do.

Sacky said...

Yeah, but if you sat still for just a second, your stomach would abandon you. Just you wait.

Phoooiee said...

You're ridiculous.

Enjoy your constant cold and generaly malaise.

Funky Smith said...

You just haven't had it fixed right. Of course it was disgusting in cubes! Whaddaya expect!?

Anonymous said...

funky is correct about the preparation being critical. With due credit to W. Ashbless, the correct recipe calls for

* Silken Tofu (or any kind of tofu) (as much as you like)

and the preparation steps are

1. Flush the tofu down the toilet, and
2. Wash your hands.

Funky Smith said...

You crazy anonymous! No!

Marinate in salt! Lick salt block and then bake in oven, for as long as you like 'til it is crispy like a chip. Then you eat like a potato chip. Yum!

Félszemű said...

Marinate in salt! Lick salt block and then bake in oven, for as long as you like 'til it is crispy like a chip. Then you [throw it out and] eat <s>like</s> a[n actual] potato chip [instead]. Yum!

Fixed that for you. Maybe the guy that owns the blog will replace the fake strikethrough tags with actual ones since his stupid paranoid blogsplotch crap won't allow me to put them there because, I don't know, strikethrough is so fucking dangerous.

You can choke to death on tofu, but no-one has ever been harmed by a strikethrough tag. This is a true fact, and you should pass it on to a dozen of your friends via email.

Sacky said...

I dunno why this crazy thing is such a nazi about tags.

I learned to just say FUCK IT and leave shit formatted with some nice plain text.

Félszemű said...

There is no way to do strikethru in plain text, unless you have an old printer in which case you could send it

like^H^H^H^H----

and get the desired effect.

Blogger is WORSE than an early 8'0s dot matrix printer, is what I'm trying to say.