Thursday, November 16, 2006

"And in my dying breath..."

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and it was brought to the forefront of my actual conscious brain today when I got an e-mail reminding me of a very specific event in my past. We're talking a split-second, blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of thing. It is the kind of thing that brings back a flood of memories -- all of them good -- and it made me give voice to what I had been going over in my head.

As I look at all the things I've done -- including all the stupid shit, terrible decisions, bad choices, and horrible people I've put up with over the years... I realize that every bit of that stuff, no matter how terrible or how amazingly fantastic all adds up into what I am today. If you take away any part of my past experience, I would not be the same person. If you were to take away just one wrong choice or derail one thread of unhappiness, where would that leave me today?

It's something I've often pondered - and moreso since getting the lyrics to "A Question" stuck in my head over ten years ago. But now there's a physical manifestation of these thoughts.

When I look at my little boy I see the sum of all the things I've done. I see the toll of all the choices I've made.

And I see without a doubt -- I have no regrets. Given the chance, I wouldn't change anything. I would love to go do some of those thing again (and again, and again,) but I see no need to change any of it.

The question that lies within
Is so hard to understand
It still tears at me
And in my dying breath
My heart holds no regrets
I wouldn't change a thing


Sarah said...

It's interesting that you say this. I've always thought that the whole "I wouldn't change a thing" is crap. Yes, everything and everyone and every bit of beauty and shit has made me what I am. But to say that I wouldn't change it means that I'm completely satisfied with who and what I am. I'm not. I like the way I'm headed though, and I don't think I would have gotten *here* if I hadn't been *there*. Hmm, I guess I just proved your point. Whatever. Congrats to you and Mrs. Sacky on the little boy, by the way ...

furiousBall said...

I concur with Sarah, I'm going through a divorce right now. One of the things my soon to be ex put to me was that we had moved to Texas because of my job. My daughter was born in Texas, and I honestly believe that Viv was supposed to have been born there and she would not be who she is if we hadn't gone there. And if I hadn't married my wife, I wouldn't have these two short people that mean everything to me. So although I'm going through something I wish on no one, it's part of some sort of plan or something. But given a button, I wouldn't chance not having these two people in my life, ever.