Saturday, October 28, 2006

I _need_ an Esteban Chord Chart

Seriously, my life seems incomplete without one.

If you haven't seen it, you should really try to catch Esteban on HSN when he's hawking his shitty burswood (fancy slang for PLYWOOD) guitars and bunging up scales like a true tone-deaf champion.

Anyhow, the chord chart is easily the biggest item in the package - like a big-ass movie poster... and it says "ESTEBAN" right at the top and has a fancy Esteban silhouette behind the (hopefully) misfingered chords and you can hang it up to show everyone how awesome you are.

I really want people to know how awesome I am. I need an Esteban Chord Chart.

Unfortunately, the only way you can get one is to order a package deal from HSN. The trouble with that is that it comes with the guitar. And other shit which I really don't need to spend good shipping fees on just to have it brought to my house. And really, who believes it when HSN tells you their $197.95 price is a fantastic deal since the retail value on all of the items in the package, if purchased separately, is over $802.67?

First, you can't buy the items separately. I tried. HSN would not budge when I insisted they sell me the chord chart for $14.95 or $19.95 or whatever the fuck was on their "if priced separately" list. I even offered them more. I think I was offering $30 or $40 and they still said they couldn't do it.

Second, HSN seems to be a little dodgy with their decimal placement. By my estimation, all of the stuff in the package -- the plywood guitar, the pre-rusted strings, the already-has-a-short-in-it cable, the can't-hear-it-because-I'm-breathing-and-that-masks-the-sound guitar amp, the picks, the chart, the books, the fabulous DVD's -- all of that shit comes up to about $8. And that includes the shipping from China.

But, I digress. I need an Esteban Chord Chart.

Isn't there someone out there who got one of these hunks of shit from their grandma, or from their evil step-mother? Give me the chord chart. You can keep the other crap so you can point it out when the demon-spawn who foisted it on you comes by for a visit. "See there Grandma? There's the Esteban guitar you got for me. I'd love to play it for you, but I was playing "House of the Rising Sun" on it earlier and the sharp fret edges filleted my finger tips. I'd love to play it for you, but I have to wait until my hamburger hands heal up."

And now, here's the saddest news of all.

I found the chord chart. It had to dig several pages deep into a google search to unearth it. You can find it here.

I'll wait down here while you check that out.


Isn't that just a pisser?

$11.95 for the chord chart. And they give you a free amp, cable, and books, too. I guess that's to weigh down the package so it doesn't blow away when UPS leaves it on your porch. (unless you have the spiteful UPS man who silently sneaks up to the door and slaps his yellow tag on the window without bothering to knock. "No. Really, mr. UPSman, I wasn't waiting here all day for that delivery. I'm really glad you took my highly anticipated, and probably very valuable purchase with you to sit in your truck overnight in some nasty UPS hole. Thanks. Thanks a lot. I guess you probably thought I ordered an Esteban guitar and you were thinking you were doing me a favor.'")

WHY IS IT FUCKING SOLD OUT? WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVER WANT ONE? It's not even advertised properly - they're trying to sell you on the amp. Jeez. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?


Kingo Sleemer said...


First off, I was watching the Esteban HSN shit the other day and noticed the price breakdown of everything and thought, "They sure are TRYING to make it look like a good deal, aren't they?" The prices they list for all the shit EXCEPT the guitar actually don't sound bad. $5 for a pack of strings isn't horrible, if you aren't thinking about how they're probably made out of rubber bands.

But second -- I was all ready to buy that fucking $12 deal just to get that shitty mini-amp. That is probably the stupidest piece of best EVER.

goddamn the sold out. What a crack.

Anonymous said...

Ok, not that you'll be lookin' here, but...


Anonymous said...

That is a hilarious post my friend.

I ran across the infomercial on HSN the other day. Let me tell you what gives him away. It's not the sweatshop guitar he is trying to move, but rather that "Andres Segovia" connection he keeps bringing.

Let me tell you man, I am a classically trained guitarist and if the late great Andres Segovia saw him play in person he would have slapped in the neck. Esteban's right hand form is so flawed...

But wait...Esteban spoke of a car accident that rendered him crippled for ten years. Well guess what, the hand that was injured was his fretting hand.

Cheers man

Sacky said...



It came rolled up in a tube. For FIVE GODDAMN DOLLARS.

Hell, yeah.

I'll have to take a picture.

Anonymous said...

yeah i just saw one on ebay for 5 bucks - do a stupid stranger who bought one of these shitty guitars a while ago and lost the chart but still can't play a favor and send me a picture!!!!! believe me i'd do it for you!!!!!!!!!!! my email address is if you would be so kind. as a matter of fact - email me ur address (don't worry i live in mesa, az so i'm not a crazy stalker or anything) and i will personally send you a check for 4 bucks (since i only need a really good picture of it so i can print and read it) - rather send it to you than some dopey schlub on ebay!!!