So, to make Funky feel better, I will post a recipe that she (and everyone else) is welcome to try. I hear it goes great with fresh bananas and milk.
1 oz. toenails
2 tbsp. dead arm hair
1 pinch of crud from under the lip of the kitchen counter
4 early-morning eye crusts
3 dozen chocolate chips
1/2 cup egg beaters
1/3 cup cottage cheese
15 bite-sized chunks of beefsteak
7 sticks of sugarless gum
Mix first five ingredients in a small sauce pan on high heat.
When the chocolate begins to burn to the bottom of the pan pour in the egg beaters and the cottage cheese. Stir for twenty-five minutes. Keep heat on high. Do not stop stirring.
Balance the beefsteak chunks on the ends of the gum sticks. You have an extra one in case you drop one on the floor. (you wouldn't want to get any germs in the recipe)
Drop the balanced beef-gum into the pot one at a time. The gum should get sticky and wrap around the beef. If it doesn't, try to stab it with a fork and twist it around.
Once you have the gum wrapped neatly around all the beefsteaks, stir the whole mess for about an hour. But take a ten minute break every fifteen minutes. Leave it on high heat the whole time or it won't come out right.
After you've stirred it for an hour, place the pan on a cookie sheet and put the whole shebang into a preheated 550 degree oven.
Bake for 45 minutes.
Take it out of the oven and serve hot.