SOS

I feel like writing another book.

I never finished the one I started in November. I blame that on two reasons -- primarily I had no time for writing a book. But -- but more importantly -- I showed it to someone while it was still in progress. I should know by now that there is no quicker way to kill a writing streak.

I'm stuck (I guess you can call it stuck) with this new idea now, and I sorta know where it goes and I really know how it gets there, but I still don't have time to write.

I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow (but we still haven't packed) and I'm planning on taking this laptop (which has the screen the memory from the other Toshiba laptop I raged about a few weeks ago grafted onto the butt-end of a better, fancier Toshiba laptop I mistakenly ordered from Ebay thinking it was the same as the one I already had), a guitar, some headphones, and definitely a DVD player.

See, we're going to the beach, so I have to be prepared for all sorts of indoor activities. That's just the way it works. After all, I want to enjoy my vacation, too. And I like the beach, but not as much as other people do. I get tired of Sandy Crack really fast.

So maybe I will have time to write some book on my vacation. You know, while I watch all six Star Wars movies and write an album full of drum-machine-metal songs and watch the baby for 19 hours a day. I'm sure that'll work out just fine.

My wife wants to know if I'm sad about watching the baby.

I think she is stupid.

One time when she was xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxor injured or whatever.

Now she's telling me I can't post this on the Internet. And I shouldn't be a fucking asshole and she's gonna be fucking pissed.

She shouldn't say such things if she doesn't want them known around the world. Or at least as far as the three people who might find this. Damn censor.

Stramby:
it's what's for dinner

STOP FUCKING CHEATING. This means YOU.

This came out today:

http://trustbut.blogspot.com/2007/07/vino-positive.html

It says a well-respected rider in the Tour de France has tested positive for a blood transfusion - something which is totally and utterly against the rules.

There has been a lot said about doping in the sport of cycling in recent months - most of it due to similar news regarding last year's winner, Floyd Landis.

At this point in the story - I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF HE DID OR DIDN'T.

The real cheaters here are the press and the laboratory.

The same French sports paper which leaked the Floyd Landis story (which got its "dope" from the same French laboratory involved here) has leaked this story BEFORE the results have been confirmed.

It's against the International Cycling Union's rules to disclose the results of any drug test before it is confirmed by a 2nd, backup test.

If cyclists are going to be banned for not following the rules, then this laboratory should be banned for exactly the same reasons. Period. End of story.

Laptop Rules

I have a bunch of laptops at my house.

ONE OF THEM WORKS.

Well, actually two of them -- if you count a flickering LCD as working. But sometimes the start-up voltage doesn't meet the grade so it just sits there black and doesn't even flicker.
So here are the new laptop rules:

1. All laptops will have an LCD. Any size is fine.
1a. If I want to put a 14.1" LCD into a 15" bezel there will be a way to accomodate that option without purchasing extra shit.
2. The LCD will have a backlight using LED technology which never burns out.
3. The LCD will require an inverter to power the backlight.
4. All laptops will use the same inverter. Thanks.
5. All laptops will require a cable to connect the system board to the inverter and the screen.
6. All laptops will use the same fucking cable. Thanks.
7. Laptops will not allow you to drive a long keyboard screw into the wrong hole thus piercing the card on the hard drive because you're so pissed off at different ribbon connectors that you didn't notice the B next to the hole instead of the K next to the hole you should have used.
8. Laptops will not have a total system board failure as a result of number 7 actually happening.

If these rules were in place I would have SEVERAL working laptops.

I'm not asking for all that much here. Really. I don't want to put a P3 into a P4 hole. Well, I do. But I don't expect to be able to. But I do expect people to make a fucking LCD panel with the same goddamn connector and the same fucking length power cable and the same fucking inverter with the same fucking interface so you can dim the goddamn screen even tho you only ever use the fucker on full brightness any way. Yeah.

Light 'em Up

Hello Stramby,
I just came back from the Senate floor, and I have to tell you, I'm pretty steamed.


Republicans who love to give speeches about "supporting the troops," and so many of whom have said they disagree with the President's disastrous fire traps, just voted to side with the President over the welfare of our troops.


My colleague Jim Webb from Virginia (Jim's a Marine - and I say "is" because you're a Marine until the day you die, and the Senate's a hell of a lot hotter to have this Marine here) - Jim introduced an amendment that set fire to the Republicans for months. He also set a minimum time for them to be on fire (so they couldn't just get put out).


Any one who has ever been on fire knows what a difference that time at home makes. But of course the "operational temperature" has had to be upped so high to carry out President Bush's death-by-fire-wishes (at least we have to assume that's what he wants, because he only leaves us one option -- escalation by fire). We're trying to protect our soldiers by making sure that fire never ends.


But the Republicans won't even let it come to a vote. They'd rather side with the hoses and extinguishers and the President's Iraq policy than give our soldiers the treatment they deserve. It's outrageous. These soldiers need to see some men on fire. Well, old crusty American men. I'm sure they've seen plenty of other men on fire.


You know what? I didn't plan to do this, but our Set Fire to Republicans campaign back in April got a lot of people's attention, and helped to up the heat on the GOP caucus, heat that has resulted in many, many Republicans on fire. Well, I certainly welcome the inferno, but we need to make sure there's kerosene to back up those matches. Take a minute and donate a few gallons to the cans for the ignitors of a few key GOP Senators.


Let them know we need fire.


These fires come from the eventual conflagrations in North Carolina, Kentucky, and Texas. Some Republicans are abandoning the President's position upon the pyre and voted the right way on Jim Webb's amendment; they don't want to burn -- all of your flammable liquid has helped there, but we still have some more Republicans we need to light up. The Senators from those states above sided with the neocons and the President over the needs of the American troops bearing the real burden of the disastrous policy in Iraq. They only support symbolic burning that won't change our policy one bit, or worse stick by an escalation that has led us further down the path to fire.


If you'd like to register your disapproval, give to the fires of their challengers.


We're definitely making progress in this fight, so I'm happy about that, but I'll only really be happy when we've lit up some more Republicans. Period. It's imperative that these Republicans combust and burn -- their fat melting and popping in the breeze created by their blaze. We are doing something about it. We are setting fires. We are setting fire to Republicans. As my friend Harry Reid said a little while ago, it's a moral imperative to get a new inferno policy; great fires are at stake.


Well, thanks for your time; I just had to get this molotov cocktail off my chest.


John "Light them Fuckers Up" Kerry

John Kerry For Fire

451 Fahrenheit Street, Suite FIRE, Boston, MA 02114-2014



fire@johnkerry.com

http://www.johnkerry.com/

Paid For By John Kerry For Fire

Like a fool out in the rain.

It's almost summer. It's warm out - even hot some days. But the calendar says summer starts on the solstice. Two days from now.

But, like I said, it's raining. And it's hot out. And it's summer enough for me. I've always liked summer rain. I remember sitting on my front porch the night before my first band was going to the studio for the very first time. I had a crappy acoustic guitar and that night was simply magical. I still remember the first song I wrote on that crappy guitar, a year or more earlier on a similar rainy summer night. Only that time I was inside with the window open and the lights off. I remember dragging my wife up to stand on the little porch of the first place we shared. We barely knew each other then, but I still had to show her what it was like to just stand and absorb the serenity of a good summer rain.

If you don't have a copy, go cruise by YouTube and find the fan-made video for Summer's Rain by Savatage. I don't care if you don't like the pixel-heavy graphics, just listen to the song.

Take a minute to listen to the man you hear pouring his heart and soul into that guitar solo. His name is Criss Oliva.

When I was younger, I could never put a face on it -- could never imagine what it would be like to be thirty years old. This year, on the solstice, I'll be 33. That's three years older than Criss Oliva was when he was killed by a fucking drunk asshole.

You can make a man out of a boy...

I got a lot of plaques when I was growing up. And not just the ones on my teeth, either.

I have some from when I raced R/C cars with my dad, I have a few from science fairs, and have a whole slew of them from the Western Allegany Kiwanis club.

See, the guy from the Kiwanis club knew the guy who worked with my mom and, Ed, the guy who worked with my mom started a rocket club. I was a charter member. Like, seriously. You had to have a minimum number of a participants to start a local chapter of NAR, the National Association of Rocketry. I don't remember what that minimum was, but it seems to me that you had to have at least one adult to lead it and two or three kids to be members. I was a member. Paul Comfort was a member. I don't really remember anyone else from that very beginning, so maybe that was it. But it grew quickly.

We would meet one Saturday morning a month at the community room at the mall. We'd pretty much use the time to build rockets but Ed showed us all kinds of better ways to make rockets. Not just ways to make them look better, but ways to make them lighter, sturdier, more predictable, and capable of fucking crazy heights.

Those heights were reached on a different Saturday of the month at a big-ass field near where I grew up. The field had a baseball diamond at one end and the rest was just open. No crops, no trees, no fences for probably 3/4 of a mile in any direction and even then it was all open past the fences. And rockets did still go past the fences. Especially the ones with the big parachutes.

It was in the rocket club that I learned about the various levels of rocketry competition. One rainy day when a launch was cancelled, Ed took us (just Paul Comfort and myself, that day) down into his basement and showed us how to make what he called a "Model A."

A Model A was a tube just big enough to stick a rocket engine in. It was about 8 inches long. Add a balsa nose cone and (the top secret ingredient) plywood fins and you had the heart of a paraachute duration rocket. In parachute duration you do just that - launch a rocket and which ever one hangs in the air the longest before touching down (and which is recovered - since many of the longest duration flights caught a thermal and floated miles and miles away but were thereby disqualified) was declared the winner.

Other things you could go for were things like altitude, glider duration and spot landing, but parachute duration seemed to grab me better than the rest.

I took my Model A home and applied some finishing details. And then I raided my mom's closet. I uncased something she had in a dry-cleaning bag. I slit the bag along the top and one side seam and laid it flat on my living room floor. Then I calculated the largest circle I could cut out of the thing and did just that. I attached some shroud lines and tied it all to my rocket. Then I started on the most difficult task of all -- fitting a parachute, which if draped over my head would come down around my waist, into a 1/2" diameter tube.

I sprinkled talcum powder all over it to make sure it wouldn't stick to itself. And then I folded and packed it up tight and it fit. Just barely.

Other rockets I had used C and D engines to go to incredible heights. The Model A was designed for "A Parachute Duration" which meant the trick was to squeeze the longest flight out of a tiny A engine.

And the Model A performed. On an A engine, it flew so high you couldn't even see it anymore. It flew so high that the tracking smoke was hard to see. And then the ejection charge blew and kicked out the parachute.

My dry cleaning bag unfurled and the sun glinted on its shiny plastic surface. And it just hung there. For many long minutes. And as far as I remember, I always got it back.

It won parachute duration at both Kiwanis sponsored competitions. At the second one I also got plaques for Best-In-Show (for my X-Wing, which had crashed and burned and therefor been disqualified the year before), spot landing (with the parachute duration rocket since something about the wind told me it was blowing just right...) and hell, I dunno. But I was in the paper. A lot. With my dirty hair and my denim jacket with the Motley Crue patches all over it.

But somehow, not too long after that, I forgot about the rockets. I do recall going to one more launch a few years later - probably during college. I was happy to see that the club was still going and they had much fancier launch equipment, but the thrill of it just didn't grab me like it had my first two years of high school.

I suppose that early fascination was helped by my trip to Space Camp (actually Space Academy, which was for older kids) the summer before 9th grade.

But something a few weeks ago grabbed my eye. A book called, "Lost in Space" or some such title about the three astronauts stranded on the International Space Station after the Columbia tragedy. I picked it up and couldn't put it down. And then it was over. So I scoured my shelf for something else I'd picked up years ago knowing in my heart it was right up my alley. It had sat untouched for years, but it was right where I remembered it. And now I'm most of the way through The Right Stuff and it's lit a fire in me.

And I lit another fire, as well. I launched rockets this weekend. My wife was skeptical about the whole thing. But after the first one she lit up and was suddenly fascinated with the whole thing. I built one of them just like the Model A (tho with cardboard fins and a streamer instead of a parachute.) My construction was still top-notch. It flew higher than the other rocket I built -- a larger one wiith a shiny silver nose - and which had 4 times the thrust.

Photo by LiquidPorkGun

Not a puppet

I'm watching Jesus Camp.

It's frightening.

There's a kid preparing for a sermon and he tells the filmmakers that he doesn't write the sermon. He says God guides his hand as he holds the pen over the page.

And it reminded me of a very specific moment in my life. I don't recall exactly how old I was -- probably six or seven, first or second grade. But I remember where I was and who was there. I remember what was said.

In the basement of the church on Center Street a woman stood before us. We were seated "Indian Style" on the carpet. This was part way through a week of summer bible camp or bible school, whatever you want to call it. You know -- macaroni pictures and God's Eyes and all of whatever can be made with white glue and Popsicle sticks.

This woman was telling us about God. I think she was the grandmother of one of the other kids there. Anyhow, she told us that we could easily picture the way God works if we imagined that we were puppets. And she had little puppets like little animals and you stuck your hand inside and made the mouth go like you do with puppets.

This woman told us that we were just like these puppets and God had his hand up the back of us guiding everything we did. And in that moment, as a first- or second-grader, I lost my religion.

And nothing in my life has done a single thing to make me rethink that decision.

I do, however, believe with all my heart that I am more of Christian - as it's laid out in the book - than any of these so-called Evangelicals. Maybe they'd do some good if they took some time out of trying to convert the masses and sat down and actually read the words in the book. And if they're Christians why do they hold on so tightly to the Jewish half of the book? They tell you Creationism is the only answer that makes sense and then in the next breath tell you it's going to take a war to make America a Christian nation.

Jesus Christ. The lamb of God. The prince of peace. And they think he needs an army.

I've got some news for them (tho it's not really news.) America IS a Christian nation. We've never had a single president who didn't attend a Christian church. Jimmy Carter (God Forbid - a Democrat!) was ten-times the religious figure that their so-called St. George W. Bush could ever hope to be.

Carter builds houses for the poor. Bush hands more money to the rich. What the fuck is Christian about that?

But above all, I feel sorry for the kids. I had a solid foundation around me when I was growing up which allowed me to realize - without fully comprehending all of the ramifications - that religion can be good but following it blindly is dangerous. No matter what name you put on it.

I win!

Actually, I don't win anything, but that's really the best way to describe how I feel right now.

These times, at least for me, are few and far between, but I like it when they come. Maybe it's different for some people, but for me the times when I'm hit with a sudden, mind-cracking revelation don' t come around that often.

But it just happened. Actually, it's been building for a few days and it just cracked wide open. Break on through to the other side and all that. It really feels like I kicked a hole in something and I just want to run around screaming at the world. But I won't. I'll just sit here with my headphones on and grin like a fucking idiot.

Let me try to explain:

I first tried my hand at Mastering in 1998. That's Mastering as in the oft-misunderstood black art of mastering audio recordings. Ask ten people what audio mastering is and you'll get ten answers. Ask ten people who make a living in audio production what mastering is and you'll get ten even more different answers.

To try to outline it without going off on some crazy quest for the truth, I'll give a quick rundown of the other end of the process.

You start with a recording studio. Or at least a recording device. This recording device is capable of recording multiple tracks so you can stack things up and build a song. 12 tracks of drums (each individual drum on a track), four rhythm guitars, a bass guitar, some lead guitars, some vocals. You can end up with 24 or 48 or more tracks. Just ask Hansi.

Once the song is built these multiple tracks are mixed. Mixing takes 24 or 48 or however many bajillion tracks of Hansi vocals and combinates them together so that you end up with a single "song" which actually consists of two tracks - which most people recognize as LEFT and RIGHT - just like the jacks on your stereo at home are labelled.

So you spent a lot of money at a recording studio and you paid some other guy $10,000 a song to mix your album (if you're Green Day that is, and you can even get one of the Lord Alge bros. fone numbers) and now you have a MIX.

Funny thing is, the mix sounds cool in your car but you have to adjust the EQ in your home stereo or it sounds funny. Then when you take it to your mom's house her cheap boombox sounds OK but the big stereo sounds a little off.

So we have problem in that our MIX doesn't translate across all available systems. Since we didn't get Chris Lord Alge to mix it, it's also not very loud compared to other CD's we like.

So maybe it's easier to tell you that mastering fixes these problems than to try to tell you what mastering actually does.


But that's what it does. Or what one does when mastering. You take a stero mix - or a bunch of them in the case of ten or twelve songs making up an album and you tweak them. You make them have a nice volume with clean transistions between the songs and you make some adjustments with EQ or compression to (hopefully) allow the mix to play back equally well on boomboxes, car stereos and expensive hi-fi shit.

And like I said, I first tried it in 1998.

I didn't know a fucking thing about it. But that doesn't stop me in most things, so I didn't let it stop me here.

I joined a MASTERING FORUM and I got e-mails from people who earn a living mastering professional recordings. I talked at length with the guy who mastered whatever Shania Twain record sold four-hundred-twenty-billion copies. I tried to get a handle on what the deal was, why it cost so much to do it, and how I could A.) do it for myself and B.) charge other people to do it to their songs.

And I mastered an album. It's out there with my name on it. You can get it at Amazon.com or your local record store or download it from iTunes.

I also mastered stuff for other people and they paid me $40 an hour for my efforts. I didn't do a whole lot of these, and looking back that's probably a good thing. Definitely a good thing.

After a while, I learned enough to know that it was very easy to do more harm than good with mastering tools if you didn't know what the fuck you were doing. I certainly didn't know what the fuck I was doing, so I tried to limit any actual mastering. Instead, I admitted defeat and just slapped a Louderizer plug-in on the output of whatever I was mixing so I could get a decent volume without the negative effects of bad EQ and compression.

But earlier this week I stumbled upon a folder with some really old shit on one of my hard drives. It was a project where I took my first band's middle demos (demos 2 & 3 out of four total) and dumped the DAT mixes into the computer and attempted to master them.

I'm guessing this took place in 2001 when I was first starting to fully realize how shitty bad mastering was.

When I played back this discovery, I was appalled. It was loud. It was muddy. It sounded hideous. I quickly negated all the changes and listened to the raw mix. It was pretty much the way I remembered it from 12 years ago when we recorded it - it had some problems and didn't sound hi-fi or professional at all, but my ears also told me there were options here - and for the first time they told me exactly what needed to be done.

So I readjusted the adjustments. I played with EQ and got the guitars to sound super crunchy. I got the drums to bang a little louder. I got the volume up to a disgusting level. And then I burned a CD for the drive to work the next morning.

And that drive to work was the first part of tonight's revelation. Actually, it might have started forming on the way home. On one of those drives I realized that in making the guitars sound crunchy and delicious that I had done ill to the vocals. They sounded thin and quiet -- not natural at all.

And in that moment my brain said to myself, "If you could just EQ the guitars and leave the vocals alone it would fix the whole thing."

And I knew in my heart that this was possible, but I didn't know _exactly_ how to do it.

See, the vocals (and the bass guitar and the meat of the drums) are all in the center of the stereo image. They come out of both speakers at the same volume. On the other hand, the guitars (and the toms and the cymbals and the reverb) are panned around the stereo image - meaning each individual element is louder in one speaker than it is in the other speaker.

So tonight I sat down and tore apart the mix. I made it so the stuff in the center came out one side and the panned stuff came out the other side. It makes no real sense -- especially when you hear it playing back that way, but it works. You just need the right tools.

And then I EQ'd the shit out of the guitars. And I compressed the fuck out of the vocals and drums and bass. With the right tools.

And then I put it all back together so the drums and bass and vocals are in the center and the guitars are on the sides and the GUITARS ARE GIGANTIC and the BASS HAS BIG OL' NUTS and the DRUMS FUCKING CRUSH YOU and the VOCALS ARE MORE CLEAR THAN EVER BEFORE and it stopped being a demo and sounds like an album and I'm now ready to stand up, run out of my house, and punch the first person I see.

Watch out. Don't be in my driveway any time soon.

To maintain whatever is left of anonymity on this site, I won't post any samples because the only place I have to do so is my own personal web server which is named after my own personal self. If I find some other place to put up some before and afters maybe I'll do so.

But did I mention I'm ready to go fucking ballistic here? Fuck.

Political Inbox

--------------- Original Message ------------------
Subject: Fight Back Against The Veto
From: "John Kerry" <info@johnkerry.com>
Date: Wed, May 2, 2007 2:25 pm
To: Harold@76FordPintoRocks.com
---------------------------------------------------
Hi Harold,

When I first introduced legislation with Russ Feingold to set fire to the Republicans putting up a roadblock to our efforts, the dirtbags in Congress, succumbing to White House pressure from the President to back off on this, didn't do anything. And the President vetoed our efforts.

It's time for that to change. It's time to set fire to these Roadblock Republicans:

http://www.setfire.to/page/roadblockrepublicans

The Republicans are already showing signs of fireproofing. Many are running away from this President's disastrous policy because they know they are flammable. But that's not enough; we need to incinerate the GOP on this one. To do that, we need to spray them with gasoline in a voice loud enough that they can't help but hear it, and we need to let it soak into their clothes in the language any politician understands: Zippo Lighters.

So we're launching a molotov cocktail on critical points in the GOP caucus. We are targeting a few key Senators for this blaze: Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell will be immolated. Senators Sununu, Collins, and Coleman will suffer third degree burns. The last three are already top races for 2008, and Senator McConnell is the bulwark of the GOP leadership on this. For that, he will end up looking like the Buddhist guy on the front of that Rage Against the Machine album.

So go here to contribute to a fund run by our friends at SetFire.to that will go to the eventual fires spread in those states and then write an email message to those Senators explaining why you did this. Remember, gasoline prices are skyrocketing, so it's going to take a lot of money to buy enough gasoline to ensure the proper incineration of these Republicans.

This is an extraordinary campaign; to my knowledge, nothing quite like this has ever been done. But these fires can make all the difference in each of these races, and these Senators will know it. Senator McConnell is secure in his belief that no one will be able to combust the air around him. We can show that he's wrong. The other Senators are already top targets in 2008, but they hope the power of asbestos and drinking lots of water can save them. We can show them that the power of Washington won't stand against the power of fire.

We can raise the temperatures for them and make the heat they feel from the fire greater than the pressure they feel from the White House. And when that happens, they just might help tell this President that his policy is a disaster and we must change course -- Or he'll be next to catch fire.

Let's clear the way for a new fire -- let's insist on a fire that lives up to the sacrifice of our incredible matches:

http://www.setfire.to/page/roadblockrepublicans

Sincerely,

John Kerry

------------------------------------
Paid for by John Kerry for Fire
------------------------------------

Fuck the TV

So do you watch that American Idol?

We started watching it last year and were easily hooked -- mostly because of the terrible sucks who have no idea they suck as bad as they suck at the auditions.

But, once it got rolling it was still interesting.

This year, however, I've had trouble getting into it as much. I dunno what it is about it, cuz a lot o of the people are pretty good singers, but there hasn't really been anyone who grabbed me right off the bat. Last year, I instantly liked Taylor Hicks and hoped he would last a while on the show - tho I even stated right about the time they gave him his ticket to Hollywood -- "He's good but he won't ever win this thing."

I was wrong about that one.

So this year is girl-heavy. I'm betting my best pants that the background-singer-lady is the winner, cuz she pretty much blows the rest of them out of the water. Out of the guys left, the beatboxer is the only one I like.

But the people who were still bringing me back to the TV week after week are now gone -- last week saw the end of Gina What's-her-face, who could get some rock going, tho she made some shitty song choices. And this week saw the end of Haley Scarnato.

And the sad part is, that stupid grinning fucker with the never-ending cavalcade of dumb hair is still on there - and not even in the bottom three. I can't stand him, and I hate the fact that the anti-whatever people out there are calling in to skew the results.

So this week saw the end of Haley. As far as singing is concerned, it's really not that much of a loss. She was far from the best, but sometimes you have to just sit back and enjoy the view. I know I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Fuck Easter

What the fuck is with this Easter shit, anyhow?

I mean, really, what do bunnies and chicks and colored eggs have to do with the Jesus?

All of those things (kinda like Christmas trees, too) are remnants of ancient pagan beliefs which have just been absorbed by Christianity. Would the mommies at your local Sunday School be happy to know we eat chocolate bunnies today as a remnant of earlier beliefs that rabbits must be sacrificed in the early spring as an offering to a god or goddess so that the cold death of winter could be washed away and all the living things renewed again? Or how about baby chicks which come from eggs (tho not colored ones)? Here too is something which lay dormant for many long weeks and now steps into the light of day from out of the darkness of its shell.

Isn't it funny how that kind of stuff mirrors a certain "resurrection" story?

What's not funny is driving all the way to Chipotle and finding them closed just because it's fucking Easter. At least the weather was disagreeable (now, where's all that rebirth and rejuvenation shit when you need it?) cuz if it had been nice we would have ridden the 18 miles on our bikes. And then I probably wouldn't be able to put into words just how fucking pissed I would be.

But I got a burrito on Monday, so all is not lost. However, I never did get one of those giant chocolate covered peanut butter eggs. Stupid Easter.

White Trash Confessions

Just in case we might ever find some reason to get snobby or uppity, I'll post here that earlier this week we took the old coin-operated washing machine to the dump.

As I scroll back through the posts, I see one in January where I finally got around to taking pictures of the shitty thing.

So that means it sat in our driveway, right in front of the house for over three months.

It got snowed on, rained on, hit by snowplows and BMW's. But I don't think it was quite good enough to qualify for any special rewards on Blue Collar TV. Maybe if it had had some company, like the busted Dodge Caravan that sat in our driveway (with no engine) for the first six months we lived here, we could get a fancy TV show reward.

All in all, I think we're pretty safe from any sort of snobbery. But, if we start acting like uppity assholes just let me know and I'll go straight downstairs and pee in the sink.

Dzienkuje, Home Depot

Home Depot has instituted this new thing where they ask you what your P.O. number or job name is. I guess this is so you can somehow track your Home Depot spending, and is probably very useful to people who actually make a living out of fixing shit in houses.

When asked by the cashier about my particular project, I've always just told her to leave it blank.

But, last night I took advantage of the stealth-checkout option. (Stealth, because if I were half my current age I might try to take advantage of the lax supervision...)

So there I am, standing at the self-checkout kiosk faced with the daunting task of (oh my god, can I really do this?) SCANNING MY ITEMS! It's so complicated it's almost scary. I mean, you pick up your item and you swipe it over the sensor. And after nine or ten tries the thing beeps and tells you to put it in the bag. Don't you think they could make this easier? I mean... put it in the bag? How do I do that?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. That's not me. That's what must have been running through the head of the guy in front of me.

Once WonderShopper was checked out and paid up, I swiped my single item across the bar code scanner. Once. It beeped. I put it in the bag. The machine said, "Unexpected item in bagging area," then shut up as it realized I was actually doing it right.

I pressed the FINISH AND PAY button and then, much to my delight, I was presented an on-screen keyboard which displayed the following instruction:

ENTER YOUR P.O.#/JOB DESCRIPTION

So I did.

I guess I'd better get right to work on that project.

Bunny Sadness

The bunny is going to be sad. My wife says so.

See, the bunny is dangerous to the baby. The bunny's nose can come off and kill the baby. This can't be, so we have to send the bunny back. They promise to send us a voucher to use to purchase another toy of our choosing.

But my wife says the bunny will no longer be serving his intended purpose when he is thrown away. She says the bunny will be sad. I told her the bunny will get to hang out with lots of his friends, maybe even some nice guys he met on the manufacturing line or some of the fun fellows he hung out with on the shelf at the store. She says he'll still be sad.

I really don't know what to say to that.

Here's the whole story: Bunny Recall

Fucking Asshole

Thanks for driving drunk, Mr. Asshead.

Thanks also for smashing my van while I'm driving with the baby actually on-board.

Thanks. Really.

Last I checked your wiper isn't supposed to be inside the fucking car. Neither is the back window. The paper thing which appears to be a french fry wrapper is actually an 8-speed bike cassette for the rear wheel. In the box. Which is destroyed. Like my van. Fucking asshole.

How hard do you have to hit somebody to compress the whole length of the van so that at first glance the rear end almost looks normal save for the smashed in hatch? The frame is buckled, the suspension is fucked. The rear fenders are too close to the tires which are also too close to the front of the van. Fucking asshole.

Little Miss Sunshine

I don't even know what to say here.

I'm still fucking laughing and the movie's been over for twenty minutes.

So, yeah. If you haven't seen Little Miss Sunshine yet go out and get it. Watch it. Make sure you pee first or you'll need to change your pants.

Stick it in the Slot

Someway back (can't have been too long ago, cuz my foot is still in this fucking GIANT BLACK VELCRO BOOT) I mentioned about a new washing machine.

As in many cases, the new washing machine did in fact replace an old washing machine.

I am back today to show you pictures of the old, quarter-eating, non-spinning washing machine.

Here you go:

There it is, sitting by the trash cans. Even before we moved it out there, the front was already kicked off of it. I'm kinda sad you can't see the sign taped to the front. "Do not put feet on washers," it said. I'm guessing people didn't listen or else the front wouldn't have banged around all the time like a wounded asshole.

Here is a bigger shot showing the fancy Computer Control Pad and the quarter slot.

If you open the lid (which required some prying) you can flip a button which lets you reprogram shit. I only ever figured out how to make it not take quarters. But it only stayed that way until the power went out, then I'd have to fix it again.

Pleas write soething else!

It has been brought to my attention that Pleas write soething else.

What are these Pleas? And how is a verb able to write?

As for "soething else..." I guess I can't be too surprised. What else do you suppose a poor little Plea, struggling with pen in hand, should manage to write?

So, I will now share this with you all. Please spread the word.

The Pleas are able to write "soething else."

I wonder what kind of paper they used...

How important is Snacko?

snacko serves snack soup

snack soup is wholesome goodness

snack soup is a good friend of mine

snack soup is very liberated

snack soup stands up to opression and tyranny

snack soup is the source of freedom in war-torn countries.

snack soup is the breath of life in a firey building

snack soup is a parachute when you find yourself ejected from a spacecraft

All's not quite so well.

I am on drugs. Currently it's Oxycodone which is secret generic slang for Percoset. Priorly it was Hydrocodone which is generic slang for Vicodin. Both are good.

You see, about four hours after we achieved our new washing machine, my right foot started hurting. To properly describe the sensation in my foot you would need to imagine what it would feel like if you dropped a washing machine on your foot.

HOWEVER.

I did not drop a washing machine on my foot. I'm sure of it. I don't recall doing any wrong whatsoever to my foot. But it's damn busted nevertheless.

Actually, it's not busted. I got x-rays. Here are x-rays:




The x-ray came back negative for breaks and positive for nothing wrong.

So they said maybe it was a STRESS FRACTURE. And I got sent for a BONE SCAN. I will have to post the bone scan pictures later because I didn't scan them yet - but trust me -- they are definitely worth posting because they are some strange shit.

And still they show nothing is broken.

But my foot hurts, so I get to take pain medicine for a week and then wear a dumb foot boot for two weeks.

I'm really glad we didn't spend the money for FREE DELIVERY of that new washing machine.