Laptop Rules

I have a bunch of laptops at my house.

ONE OF THEM WORKS.

Well, actually two of them -- if you count a flickering LCD as working. But sometimes the start-up voltage doesn't meet the grade so it just sits there black and doesn't even flicker.
So here are the new laptop rules:

1. All laptops will have an LCD. Any size is fine.
1a. If I want to put a 14.1" LCD into a 15" bezel there will be a way to accomodate that option without purchasing extra shit.
2. The LCD will have a backlight using LED technology which never burns out.
3. The LCD will require an inverter to power the backlight.
4. All laptops will use the same inverter. Thanks.
5. All laptops will require a cable to connect the system board to the inverter and the screen.
6. All laptops will use the same fucking cable. Thanks.
7. Laptops will not allow you to drive a long keyboard screw into the wrong hole thus piercing the card on the hard drive because you're so pissed off at different ribbon connectors that you didn't notice the B next to the hole instead of the K next to the hole you should have used.
8. Laptops will not have a total system board failure as a result of number 7 actually happening.

If these rules were in place I would have SEVERAL working laptops.

I'm not asking for all that much here. Really. I don't want to put a P3 into a P4 hole. Well, I do. But I don't expect to be able to. But I do expect people to make a fucking LCD panel with the same goddamn connector and the same fucking length power cable and the same fucking inverter with the same fucking interface so you can dim the goddamn screen even tho you only ever use the fucker on full brightness any way. Yeah.

remember...

Get 'em while they're young

Make sure your children get an early start in computer education.

Here's what my son, who is just five and a half months old can do (with a little help from his mother):

From MSN Messenger

Baby says:
';' cv
Daddy says:
hi there, mr. baby
Baby says:
d ]]]]-]`====-
Daddy says:
are you having a good day?
Baby says:
[''gbf-p/..c
Daddy says:
don't tear off any keys
Baby says:
./=- i7j88uh7tr6555555555555555555y6gv bn u=76
Baby says:
8ip8o0-9999999999999999999099 0p-['?
Daddy says:
where is your dog book?
Baby says:
qq`dxqa1wQqazcxzx
Daddy says:
I don't think it's there.
Daddy says:
Where did you leave it?
Baby says:
I gave him his own computer and now he's kicking it
Baby says:
Off the couch
Daddy says:
that's what he usually does with it
Baby says:
but he's mad because his doesn't light up
Daddy says:
that's for sure
Daddy says:
take the battery out of mine and put it in that one. It might turn on if you're persistent with the power button
Baby says:
RJHNVJGG
Baby says:
NOT WORTH IT FOR 20 MIN.
Daddy says:
Why does he like the CAPS LOCk so muh?
Daddy says:
much
Baby says:
under his hand
Baby says:
he likes whatever is under his hand
Baby says:
do you get free pizza toay?
Daddy says:
i dunno what we get
Baby says:
ikj9788ok
Baby says:
doodle says ok
Daddy says:
that's good
Baby says:
78888888YMV`GHY7FCV ``````````````````````````````````````````28IJK PU,U,7

Way to go, Microsoft!

I know I'm not stupid. However, it's nice to have it validated from time to time.

The following is from a recent book on how to write DirectX code outside of C++:

"Managed DirectX was released with the latest version of the core DirectX libraries in DirectX9. It enables developers using the new .NET languages (i.e. C#, VB.NET, etc.) to develop rich multimedia applications with DirectX. Unfortunately the Managed DirectX runtime was released without adequate documentation, and developers are having a hard time figuring out the best way to write managed applications. This book covers how to use the Managed DirectX objects, how they differ from the core DirectX libraries..."

the_fuck_you_say.c

5 CLS
10 PRINT "MR. ALBRIGHT IS A GEEK ";
20 GOTO 10

There you have it. The first kind of computer program I learned how to write. I could even do it in two versions. The one -WITH- a semi-colon would print horizontally, wrapping the text when it got the edge of the fabulous 80-column green or amber screen (IF YOU WERE LUCKY) or the TV (NOT SO LUCKY NOW, ARE YOU?) that you had your Tandy hooked to. OR -- if you left out the semi-colon then it would just print a single in-line column of your selected slogan.

Simple. Maybe that's why they called it BASIC.

Somewhere along the line, I learned PASCAL, as well. Shortly thereafter (along the line) I forgot anything at all about actually DOING Pascal. I do remember making a fully functional Minesweeper program in my fancy class, however. I also remember having Kingo help me with some part of an assignment and we got some kind of crazy error message upon running whatever the program was. We dug deep into the manual and found a reference to it - which stated specifically, "You should never see this error."

So yeah, even way back, I was perfectly adept at ruining the innards of computers.

Around about 1998, I stumbled upon VBScript. VBScript is an offshoot of Microsoft's Visual Basic language. Visual Basic is a souped up version of the old standby which I first learned - only now it has Windows form components so you can drag-n-drop buttons and text boxes and menus and assign some code to events - like when the user clicks on the "OK" button.

VBScript left out most of the GUI garbage and focused on getting shit done - shit in a "sneaking around behind the beast" way of administratinizing Windows machines.

I managed to cobble together some VBScript tools for my job and realized a new sense of satisfaction. Sure, they were simple tools but -- no one else had done it (and many had tried) and, most importantly, they fucking worked. In one instance my VBScript which took a few days of learning-while-coding saved the company a lot of money by negating the purchase of some outside tool.

I also played around a little bit with the full-fledge Visual Basic, but not much. And then I left that job and didn't touch any programming for the next 8 years.

Which brings me to my new job. I'm helpdesking, and over the course of any given day, I can be called on to execute the same task, or set of tasks, a number of times. Since I hate repetition of labor, my mind instantly starts churning and looking for a way to make it easier, faster, better, or more fun.

In the sense of most of the jobs I've had, the "more fun" option is the only one which ever seems feasible, but is usually out of the question due to some shitty policy like, "no throwing cakes" or "don't ride the shopping carts."

In the sense of Windows administration, this line of thinking leads to creating working tools that cut repetition out of the picture. Never mind that the actual task only takes 3 minutes. If I have to do it three times in a day, I become furious and frustrated. So, I take the time, away from work, or on breaks, to dust off my scripting skills and create a utility to do my job for me. In the sense of this particular utility, all of my co-workers will also benefit.

But that brings me to the deeper problem. I'm never really content with any one thing. I've always been flighty when it comes to my interests and I've never managed to acquire any real mastery of all the things I pursue. Except for fixing the hardware side of computers. On that count, I will dare you to find an equal.

But with everything else, I manage to attain some modicum of proficiency and that's usually good enough for me. I can play the guitar, but I don't have mastery of music theory. I can bash out a beat on a drumset, but I lack the nuance and feel of a good drummer. I can make a guitar or write a story, but all of these efforts seem as if they're forced into existence as half-assed creations and not the true artistic expressions they could be.

The same goes for the various jobs I've had - but over these years I've recognized a certain feeling of belonging. A feeling of "this is right" that rarely comes along. In the eight years since I stumbled upon VBscript programming, I've only consistently maintained an interest in one thing. Race cars and toys and bands have all come and gone - but I've been unable to go more than a few days without futzing with some kind of audio recording. I get a feeling that says "this is it" and it seems right.

I get that same feeling when some program I wrote actually does what it's supposed to do.

I tried to make a living at the audio recording. It might have worked, but I took too big a step - more like a giant fucking leap - to actually maintain any momentum in the cold, harsh real world of bill collectors.

And now I've made the switch from fixing computer hardware (remember - I said up above that it's the one skill I've attained any real mastery in) and I'm back in the kind of environment I was in back in 1998 when my utility programs saved the day.

And I've done it again. And I want more. And I've developed a plan.

My plan is this:

1. Learn by doing.

That's it. That's the whole plan. If I set out to -DO- programming, I'll be able to do it. But in order to make it work and make it stick if it gets tough, it has to be interesting, it has to fit together and it has to bring back that feeling.

So how better to do that than to make some kind of program which records audio?

And that, ladies and germs, is why I try not to make plans.

Because - I have an understanding of how to put things together in Visual Basic - it's easy to follow since it kinda reads like English. Broken, terribly formatted English, but English nonetheless.

What I'm finding is that PEOPLE DON'T MAKE REAL PROGRAMS IN VISUAL BASIC. Actually, I pretty much already knew that. I just chose to ignore it and hope it would go away.
And -- it seems like it's trying to go away. Microsoft has revamped their line of Development tools and Visual Basic is -SUPPOSEDLY- capable of doing anything the others can do.

But I cannot for the life of me find any way to access a soundcard device through Visual Basic.

I can make it play a sound. That's easy. But I'm using system defaults for that. I'm not telling it WHAT DEVICE to use to play the sound. I'm letting Windows pick the device. I WANT TO PICK THE FUCKING DEVICE.

Which leads me to the whole point of this idiotic rant.

Real people use real tools to create real programs.

Real tools in this case means C++

I don't know shit from C++. Not nothing. Not one fucking bit. It strikes me as pathetic that I can copy a few lines of text from a tutorial and make the C++ pop up a box with a message on it, BUT I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THE SYNTAX AND STRUCTURE WORKS.

With Visual Basic and VBScript I was able to look at a few lines of code and adapt them to whatever my actual need was. Not so with these crazy bracketses and double colons.

I guess I need a book. Or maybe a class. I fucking hate a class.
____________________________________

#include "unintelligible.h"
#include "make_no_sense.h"
#include "lots of fucking brackets.h"

*/
Don't forget the fucking semi-colons.
/*

static int sound_scream;
static int sound_shout;
static int sound_yell;
static int sound_punch;
static int sound_curse;
static int sound_fuck;

void any_kind_of_sense_at_all (edict_t *self, edict_t *other)
{
gi.sound (self, CHAN_VOICE, sound_fuck, 1, ATTN_NORM, 0);
}

void what_the_fuck (edict_t *self)
{
gi.sound (self, CHAN_VOICE, sound_scratchy, 1, ATTN_NORM, 0);
}


void fuckit (edict_t *self);
mframe_t berserk_frames_stand [] =
{
ai_stand, 0, berserk_fidget,
ai_stand, 0, NULL,
ai_stand, 0, NULL,
ai_stand, 0, NULL,
ai_stand, 0, NULL
};

*/

I promise, I didn't make this last part up.

/*

Running -> Arm raised in air

void() berserk_runb1 =[ $r_att1 , berserk_runb2 ] {ai_run(21);};
void() berserk_runb2 =[ $r_att2 , berserk_runb3 ] {ai_run(11);};
void() berserk_runb3 =[ $r_att3 , berserk_runb4 ] {ai_run(21);};
void() berserk_runb4 =[ $r_att4 , berserk_runb5 ] {ai_run(25);};
void() berserk_runb5 =[ $r_att5 , berserk_runb6 ] {ai_run(18);};
void() berserk_runb6 =[ $r_att6 , berserk_runb7 ] {ai_run(19);};
// running with arm in air : start loop
void() berserk_runb7 =[ $r_att7 , berserk_runb8 ] {ai_run(21);};
void() berserk_runb8 =[ $r_att8 , berserk_runb9 ] {ai_run(11);};
void() berserk_runb9 =[ $r_att9 , berserk_runb10 ] {ai_run(21);};
void() berserk_runb10 =[ $r_att10 , berserk_runb11 ] {ai_run(25);};
void() berserk_runb11 =[ $r_att11 , berserk_runb12 ] {ai_run(18);};
void() berserk_runb12 =[ $r_att12 , berserk_runb7 ] {ai_run(19);};
// running with arm in air : end loop

It's good that I have friends. If I didn't, I wouldn't know about half of the fabulous ways to waste time on the Internet.

On our next program: Yeti Sports

a L p

1. This should be. No - fuck that. NEEDS TO BE a TV show. Like NOW. Pay the man some money for his idea. Kill the people who made the AvP movie. Buy the rights from Fox, and make this TV show. NOW.

2. Seeing as how there are more than 200 of these, it makes me sad to think how much fun and giggling I've missed.

I guess I'll have to make up for it and read them all tonight.

Favorite Word

How quickly we all forget.

Get up off your ass and do something.

Watch the trailer:
http://www.theusversusjohnlennon.com/site/

In case you missed it on your own - I'd like you to pay close attention to the President's statement on troop withdrawal. And no -- I don't mean the current President.

How to do something else just as useless.

I put some links over there on the side. Look this way ----->

Squub is the home of I, which in this case is not a pronoun referring to myself. I is someone else.

Phoooiee is scared of bugs.

Liquid Pork Gun plays instruments of the Tooter family and is also related to Phoooiee.

Funky Smith knows Phoooiee from way back.